So your sister calls you and says, “I’ve made up my mind and this year we are going to have a healthy Thanksgiving meal.” What! What sort of madness is that? Does she plan on serving tofu? Is she not going to use butter? Is she going to make sugar-free pies? What is she thinking? Doesn’t she know that she has a responsibility as a real American to meet the 4,500 calorie average? Is she serious about trying to hit 500 calories? My God, she’s letting 4,000 calories go away, free, to some other fool!
What are five ways you turn her Thanksfailure into a day to really give thanks for?
Butter
Butter makes everything better. So, if you have to smuggle some in your wife’s purse or under your hat, be sure you have some butter available for those roasted root vegetables. Butter contains many healthy saturated fats, and in recent studies, it has been proven that saturated fats are not bad for you. In some cases, butter has been shown to help you be healthier. Butter is rich in fat soluble vitamins and healthy fatty acids. In fact, the exceptionally delicious butteriness of butter is associated with a lower risk of obesity.
Sugar
Somehow you have got to get sugar back into the picture. Maybe you’ll have to sneak marshmallows into your mouth between bites of your sugar-free sweet potatoes. You might have to smuggle a Butterfinger or a Snickers in to tuck into your slice of pecan pie. Anything to combat the dullness of the dessert arrays you may have to face.
Alcohol
Nothing can ruin a healthy Thanksgiving like copious amounts of barley soda. Now mind you, if one of your relatives is a recovering alcoholic, this could destroy everything in a much more spectacular way – think arguing and accusations of insensitivity. If you pace yourself and drink a good hefty porter, you can add a solid 200 calories per glass. Not bad. Have three over the span of dinner and your meal is climbing into an area of Thanksgiving normalcy that should have you shouting ‘Merica in no time!
Volume
Unless she weighs your every serving, you can always go back for thirdsies or fourthsies. Stuffing yourself until you are stretching the capacity of the maternity pants you wore for this occasion is a tradition worth fighting for. “Another slice of pie?” she asks. “Why yes ma’am, and could you cut it a little bigger, um, a little bigger? Yep, that’ll do!” You may need to take a little walk about to let gravity help you out.
Greasy Goodness
You may have to look for every opportunity to add a little bit of fat to everything. Keep an eye on those drippings and cuttings from that turkey. You can add a little here, a dabble there. Some in your gravy, a dribble in your stuffing, anything to umami up the weak mess she may have set in front of you.
Hopefully, you won’t have to take any of these drastic measures. Hopefully, you will have an opportunity not to care and be able to savor Thanksgiving in all of its glorious calorific goodness.
